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WELCOME TO THE OINKBLOG |
| 28 April
2006
- Message from Big Pig If you've clicked
on the Secret Pig and found your way here, welcome to
the OinkBlog.
OinkBlog ("OB") has been established to keep friends and family updated re renovation of Rancho Cerdo Volando. You all know how insanely busy I've been the last 6 months, and this seemed the most intelligent way to keep everyone in the loop. Picking a floor / tile / renovation contractor this week, and trying to get in touch with my inner gay designer re furniture, ceiling fans, etc. My friend, Rachel, a real interior designer, will likely be a big help. Outside the house, I'll be putting in the "pool" (swimming hole), planting cactus around the house as a natural fence, and hopefully establishing a pig-free front yard. Two weeks ago the entire herd - 40+ pigs counting piglets - dropped by to visit. Apparently my swimming hole is their drinking hole...  I haven't seen Hogzilla during the daytime, or with the herd. He seems to be a crafty monster, but I should be able to get video of him once the complete security system and the NVDs are installed. 10 May 2006 - Message from Big Pig Security system enhancements and boobytraps go in this week. (Be warned.) Found a great source for the flooring and tiles. Next week I meet Rachel and pick out the kitchen bar, etc. Then, I start looking at the alternative energy question. Solar? Wind? Are you all bored yet? <G>. Not me...this is turning out to be lots of fun, and incredibly educational. 07 June 2006 - Message from Big Pig First, the OinkBlog Joke du Jour: (courtesy of: BlackNET2; US/1) AsPresident
Bush gets off the helicopter in front
of the White House, OINK and "oo-rah" to that! Next, an update:
I met with Rachel while in Chicago, went to the Arlington Design Center and, with the assistance of my tile advisor, Charlotte, looked at 100s of tile samples. When I told the tile salesman what sort of tile I was looking for he sniffed, and said in a dismissive tone of voice, "...well, I think that you'd be better off looking for your tiles in Hope Depot...". Ouch! Apparently Big Pig has fairly pedestrian tastes. Either that, or the salesman was a total asshole. (Probably both.) 07 September 2006 - Message from Big Pig The renovation has started! After an attempted screwing by the contractor originally selected to do the job - more on that later - a new general contractor was selected and the job started. (Can you imagine...someone sufficiently stupid and suicidal to try to defraud Big Pig?!?! Punishment will be severe! and will include detailed exposure on this website...a public service, IMO.) FYI, the new G.C. provided first day digital photos:    The kitchen and
bathroom tile, and
all of the related crap (grout, transition strips, etc.) have been
purchased, and the complete renovation should be completed by the end
of the month -- except for the master bathroom, which is waiting for me
to pick up a Big Pig-sized clawfoot bathtub and other fixtures.
So, the saga continues. So far Big Pig has vanquished (OK, fired) one weasel, and is hoping that one is the Hill Country bag limit for weasels. BTW, some input please: do y'all think that referring to yourself in the third-person is a sign of mental disturbance? Big Pig doesn't think so. <G>. 02 October 2006 - Message from Big Pig Shana Tova, to all kosher piggies. Update follows, but first, a great story:  The guy above
giving a Brooklyn
Salute is Marine Corps Gunnery Sergeant Michael "Iron Mike"
Burghardt, who is part of the Explosive Ordnance Disposal (EOD) Team
that is supporting 2nd Brigade 28th Infantry Division (Pennsylvania
Army National Guard).
Gunny Burghardt is on his third tour in Iraq. He had become a legend in the bomb disposal world after winning the Bronze Star for disabling 64 IED's and destroying 1,548 pieces of ordnance during his second tour. Then, on September 19, he got blown up. He had arrived at a chaotic scene after a bomb had killed four US soldiers. He chose not to wear the bulky bomb protection suit. "You can't react to any sniper fire and you get tunnel-vision," he explains. So, protected by just a helmet and standard-issue flak jacket, he began what bomb disposal officers term "the longest walk", stepping gingerly into a 5 ft deep and 8 ft wide crater. The earth shifted slightly and he saw a Senao base station with a wire leading from it. He cut the wire and used his 7 inch knife to probe the ground. "I found a piece of red detonating cord between my legs," he says. "That's when I knew I was screwed." Realizing he had been sucked into a trap, Sgt Burghardt, 35, yelled at everyone to stay back. At that moment, an insurgent, probably watching through binoculars, pressed a button on his mobile phone to detonate the secondary device below the sergeant's feet. "A chill went up the back of my neck and then the bomb exploded," he recalls. "As I was in the air I remember thinking, 'I don't believe they got me.' I was just ticked off they were able to do it. Then I was lying on the road, not able to feel anything from the waist down." His colleagues cut off his trousers to see how badly he was hurt. None could believe his legs were still there. "My dad's a Vietnam vet who's paralyzed from the waist down," says Sgt Burghardt. "I was lying there thinking I didn't want to be in a wheelchair next to my dad and for him to see me like that. Then I started to cut away my pants and I felt a real sharp pain and blood trickling down. Then I wiggled my toes and I thought, 'Good, I'm in business.' "As a stretcher was brought over, adrenaline and anger kicked in. "I decided to walk to the helicopter. I wasn't going to let my team-mates see me being carried away on a stretcher." He stood and gave the insurgents who had blown him up a one-fingered salute. "I flipped them one. It was like, 'OK, I lost that round but I'll be back next week'." Col John Gronski, the brigade commander in Ramadi, has hailed the above image as an exemplar of the warrior spirit. Sgt Burghardt's injuries - burns and wounds to his legs and buttocks - kept him off duty for nearly a month and could have earned him a ticket home. But, like his father - who was awarded a Bronze Star and three Purple Hearts for being wounded in action in Vietnam - he stayed in Ramadi to engage in the battle against insurgents who are forever coming up with more ingenious ways of killing Americans. - - - - - - - - - -
- - - - - - - -
Although I'm
currently a
"homeless person", I stopped back in town last week for long enough to
check on the progress of H. and his crew.
Renovation is proceeding, though only fast enough to keep me from putting my foot in someone's ass. What little has been done, however, looks good:   The countertop has been ordered, and the tiles delivered. The floor tiles for the bathroom look fantastic. The weasels at the floor store, despite the passing of a month, still hadn't delivered a key transition strip, but a polite phone call - no, really, I was polite and not even remotely Brooklyn - got the strip delivered and another ass was able to remain foot-free. Somehow, mysteriously, nothing had been done in one of the bathrooms - it looked like crap...and H. said that he thought I had instructed him to leave it alone (though the write-up said "both bathrooms" etc.) - but that was also resolved without Big Pig having to Oink anyone up. H. seems like a good guy, and honest, but apparently Casa de Oink is not a priority for his company. Yes, I know, the problem is that while Piggy is away, the contractors will play...but a few surprise visits over the next few weeks will solve that, I think. And, no, I won't be stupid enough to pay too far in advance, just what's fair. Hungry = Motivated. Only remaining items are a Big Pig-sized clawfoot tub and 2 sinks, but it looks like we are on the downslope. This is proving to be a great learning experience, though sometimes annoying. As soon as the house is finished, the furniture hunt starts. And solar energy hardware. More later. - - - - - - - - - -
- - - - - - - -
26 October 2006 - Message from Big Pig First, in lieu of a joke, a link that I think you should check out (especially if you're a Sinatra fan): The update: A very quick visit to the Ranch between jobs resulted in a happy surprise. All of the flooring has been installed, and it looks great:  (Kitchen tile, transition strip, wood floor in living room and new countertop.) When I picked out the bamboo, the kitchen tile, the transition strip, etc., I had a mental picture of how they "should" look together, but the actual result is outstanding. The countertop that I designed and purchased at the last moment also came out better than I'd hoped. The only problem? H. did such a great job with the install, that everything original that remains - kitchen cabinets, etc. - looks like crap alongside the new stuff. See:  So...now there will also be a kitchen upgrade. New cabinets, and a new, more energy efficient stove and refrigerator. The bathroom floors also look great:  Tub and sinks
haven't been selected, yet, but I'll do that when I'm back for the
election night debauchery.
More later. - - - - - - - - - -
- - - - - - - -
13 October 2006
- Message from Big Pig
No jokes today. The election is over, and the people have spoken --- and what they had to say shows that they're a pack of freakin' morons. Not much to smile about. Throughout the countryside Republicans are being hunted with dogs and torches, not a single Democrap failed to be re-elected, and in Texas Kinky Friedman came in dead last (though with more than 550,000 votes). Stupid, sad and sucks fairly well sums up the Election Day results. At least I was able to find the time to hang with Kinky and some friends while waiting for the polls to close and the voters to be returned to their mental wards. 
 Kinky started out
the night
mobbed by the media and hundreds of supporters, but ended the night
alone (which is, of course, how it always works).
 
Personally, I
think
that Kinky dodged a bullet. He's now likely the most famous person in
Texas (really), a beloved (more or less) Twain-like author...and he
doesn't have to spend the next 4 years in a thankless political
position.
Still, I'd have liked to have been the first Jewish Texas Ranger...or at least Director of Womens' Prisons. - - - - - - - - - -
- - - - - - - -
BTW, I finally found a Big Pig-sized clawfoot bathtub. I spent the day after Election Day visiting Austin-area plumbing supply warehouses. When I found a tub that looked right - the right size, good condition, cast iron - it was perched on a stack of pallets 8' above the ground. After a few minutes of Turkish bazaar-intensity negotiation, I was able to convince the salesman to lower the tub to the ground so that I could try it on for size...and when he zoomed up in a forklift to get the tub, the forklift had a "Kinky Friedman for Governor" bumper sticker on the back. I took that as a sign from the Plumbing Elves, and ordered the tub. (Yes, I know, I'm probably gonna get royally screwed...what kind of bonehead picks a vendor based on a forklift-mounted bumper sticker?) I've got an insanely busy week coming up. More later, when I can. Oink. - - - - - - - - - -
- - - - - - - -
04 December 2006 - Message from Big Pig Four days back in the Hill Country resulted in the delivery of a claw-footed tub that will easily be able to hold me and a newspaper, or me and a friend (applications welcomed <G>)...  I've now also completed 90% of the necessary research into the kitchen cabinets and related crap. Office furniture has also now been sourced and, maybe, part of the solar. A bed is now also en route to the Big Pig Suite. It's possible that F.P.R.'s renovation will be completed within the next 8 weeks. All piggies should keep their hooves crossed. JIC I don't get back to this site before the holidays, Happy Hanukah to all kosher piggies and Merry Xmas to all christian piggies. For your listening pleasure, sometime during the next few days I'll link to a page of holiday selections sung - grunted, actually - by The Jingle Bellies. (Yes, they're pigs...and if you don't laugh your ass off when you hear "Amazing Grease" or "Hava Na-Squeala", then you're well on your way to Grinch-hood.) Happy Holidays, brothers and sisters. Bless you all! Oink! 01 January 2007 - Message from Big Pig Happy New Year, everyone. No personal news or photos to post today, though there is quite a bit happening (so check back for updates). Two items for your entertainment: This is one of the cleverest, and funniest, home grown videos anywhere. Rated 5 Oinks. Strongly recommend that you take a look. From the December 27, 2006 issue of USA Today: "A 20 year old man was fined $279 for what a perplexed cop said 'must be some redneck thing' -- tossing a 60-pound pig over a counter at the Holiday Inn in West Point, Miss. No one was hurt in last month's incident, including the porker." Who says that they don't know how to have a good time in Mississippi? BTW, for those of you who know Zarah, she's apparently doing well in Israel, and has a blog... More later when I have time. 01 February 2007 - Message from Big Pig The bed is in, the tub works, the bathrooms are finished, and even though I don't have a functioning kitchen, I'm actually living in the house. I do have a heck of a fireplace, though:  A couch and chair in front of the fireplace, soon. That'll be nice. 19 February 2007 - Message from Big Pig  Gung Hai Fat Choi!
Happy Year of The Pig!  BBQ sauce for everyone! "...In celebration of the Year of the Pig this 2007, Chinese authorities are introducing postage stamps that smells and taste like the popular Chinese dish of sweet and sour pork. The stamps have been out in the market ahead of the official Chinese New Year which falls on February 18, it was reported. Postal authorities claim that scratching the stamp will give off a scent of the dish, but when you lick the back of the stamp, it will taste of the dish too. ..." ...Pigs are highly intelligent creatures, forever studying, playing and probing in their quest for greater knowledge. They can be misinterpreted as being lazy, however, due to their love of reveling in the good stuff; this Sign could happily spend hours on end making love, napping, taking a long bubble bath or dallying over an incredible spread of rich foods. Pigs tend to make wonderful life partners due to their hearts of gold and their love of family. Even so, Pigs can be rather exclusive, choosing to spend time with those who will appreciate them most and ignore the rest of the populace. Pigs would do well to realize that there's more to life than being needed. When they open up their world to a diverse group of people, they will truly bloom. The most compatible match for a Pig is the Rabbit or the Sheep. ...". Sheep, huh?Break out the Woolite, I'm so baaaaaaaaa-d! (Just kidding...I'm never going to be "Texas" enough for farm animals.) <G>. More when I have time.01 April 2007 - Message from Big Pig Happy April 1st to all my little April Fools. Just a quick post to let you all know that I'm still alive and working my curly tail off 24-7. No, I'm not complaining...except for having to deal with an occasional idiot or federal employee - sorry for the redundancy - I have an OK career, though there is apparently one job better than mine: HAMPTON
FALLS, N.H. - Former White House Chief of Staff John H. Sununu has a
new title - hog wrangler. Sununu and his wife, Nancy, recently were
named to the honorary post of Hampton Falls' hog reeve, complete with a
swearing-in ceremony and a badge. The post, which dates back to the
1700s, means the couple are responsible for rounding up any loose pigs
in town.
The PigCave is almost done. Just kitchen counters (and some furniture), and then the renovation is finished. Hard to believe. I'll be scheduling the house-warming and mezuzza-affixing (look it up) party within the next 6-8 weeks. More later. Oink! 05 April 2007 - Message from Big Pig A quick drive-by-posting of something that made me laugh (from my friend Jerry) : WHAT DO
DEER THINK?
Ted
Nugent, Rock star and avid bowhunter was being interviewed by a French
journalist and the discussion came around to deer hunting. The
journalist asked, "What do you think is the last thought in the head of
a deer before you shoot him? Is it, "Are you my friend?" or is it "Are
you the one who killed my brother?" or "Why do you do this thing of
killing just for sport?"
Nugent
replied, "Deer aren't capable of that kind of thinking. All they care
about is, 'What am I going to eat next, who am I going to screw next,
and can I run fast enough to get away.' They are in
many ways, very much like the French."
More later. Oink! 25 May 2007 - Message from Big Pig Very busy these past few weeks, so no chance to post. Lotsa traveling, mostly business, some personal. Meetings, work, two funerals - of good people, unfortunately...the weasels in this world seem to live forever - and got to see my godson. (The little piglet is doing well, thank you.) This weekend, two weddings. Last week I attended a convention near The Ranch, saw some colleagues and friends, but basically wasted 3 days on totally nonproductive activity. I did get to take some folks to see the Alamo...  ...also saw two old Germans dancing like epileptic chickens in The Fairmount Hotel's piano bar...  ...and had dinner in a room with 200+ stuffed wild animals (I'm no PETA member, but what a ridiculous waste)...    Also got to visit the Texas Hall of Cultures in S.A., and had confirmed during my visit to the Hall's Jewish Pavilion something that I'd always suspected. At the very end of a chronological display of Jewish culture in Texas was a Kinky Friedman poster...  Just as I always suspected, Kinky represents the end of Jewish culture in Texas. The house is 99.9% finished, the kitchen is done...  ...and now all that remains is buying some furniture, replacing the doors, and a few minor details. I'm looking forward to having many of you as houseguests. BTW, work on the new non-fiction book is really zipping along. Two captures done, 3 more likely in the next 2-3 weeks. We may be finished as early as October. Will post more whenever possible. Oink! 28 May 2007 - Message from Big Pig Happy Memorial Day, everyone, and G-d Bless America! Do something today to honor our troops, and to bring honor to our country. A quick post of an AP article follows. Too many comments to make, not all of them positive (especially re: "It's a good accomplishment. I probably won't ever kill anything else that big."), but, hey, it's a comment by an 11 year old kid...not to mention a resident of Alabama. <G>. MONTGOMERY,
Ala. - Hogzilla is being made into a horror movie. But the sequel may
be even bigger: Meet Monster Pig. An 11-year-old boy used a pistol to
kill a wild hog his father says weighed a staggering 1,051 pounds and
measured 9 feet 4, from the tip of its snout to the base of its tail.
Think hams as big as car tires.
If the claims are accurate, Jamison Stone's trophy boar would be bigger than Hogzilla, the famed wild hog that grew to seemingly mythical proportions after being killed in south Georgia in 2004. Hogzilla originally was thought to weigh 1,000 pounds and measure 12 feet long. National Geographic experts who unearthed its remains believe the animal actually weighed about 800 pounds and was 8 feet long. Regardless of the comparison, Jamison is reveling in the attention over his pig. "It feels really good," Jamison said in a telephone interview with The Associated Press. "It's a good accomplishment. I probably won't ever kill anything else that big." Jamison, who killed his first deer at age 5, was hunting with father Mike Stone and two guides in east Alabama on May 3 when he bagged Monster Pig. He said he shot the huge animal eight times with a .50-caliber revolver and chased it for three hours through hilly woods before finishing it off with a point-blank shot. Through it all, there was the fear that the animal would turn and charge them, as wild boars have a reputation for doing. "I was a little bit scared, a little bit excited," said Jamison, who lives in Pickensville on the Mississippi border. He just finished the sixth grade on the honor roll at Christian Heritage Academy, a small, private school. His father said that, just to be extra safe, he and the guides had high-powered rifles aimed and ready to fire in case the beast, with 5-inch tusks, decided to charge. With the animal finally dead in a creek bed on the 2,500-acre Lost Creek Plantation, a commercial hunting preserve in Delta, trees had to be cut down and a backhoe brought in to bring Jamison's prize out of the woods. It was hauled on a truck to the Clay County Farmers Exchange in Lineville, where Jeff Kinder said they used his scale, recently calibrated, to weigh the hog. Kinder's scale measures only to the nearest 10, but Mike Stone said it balanced one notch past the 1,050-pound mark. "It probably weighed 1,060 pounds. We were just afraid to change it once the story was out," he said. The hog's head is being mounted by Jerry Cunningham of Jerry's Taxidermy. Cunningham said the animal measured 54 inches around the head, 74 inches around the shoulders and 11 inches from the eyes to the end of its snout. "It's huge," he said. "It's just the biggest thing I've ever seen." Mike Stone is having sausage made from the rest of the animal. "We'll probably get 500 to 700 pounds," he said. Jamison, meanwhile, has been offered a small part in "The Legend of Hogzilla," a small-time horror flick based on the tale of the Georgia boar. The movie is holding casting calls with plans to begin filming in Georgia. Jamison is enjoying the newfound celebrity generated by the hog hunt, but he said he prefers hunting pheasants to monster pigs: "They are a little less dangerous." More when I have a chance. 09 August 2007 - Message from Big Pig Hello, everyone. Quite a while since my last post, I know, but it has been a hectic 60+ days. I'm busy coordinating a fugitive locate for a "media organization" - a type of client which I recommend to only the most painfully masochistic - in addition to my office's usual caseload, and in addition to a resurrected 23 year old murder in Irving, Texas. (My first time back in Irving after 20+ years was last week, and the day after I left the Irving P.D. called to advise that a murder I'd worked in 1984 - and mostly solved - was being reopened, and my case notes were needed. Wish I could believe in coincidences.) Another time suck (though lots of fun), my "captures" of Rick D. are now up to #7. It's hard to hide when B.P. is grunting after you. <G>. For those of you who missed the conference, it was a personal and professional pleasure to attend.  My lecture (on one of the usual topics) was well-attended by an intelligent and fun audience. Always nice when that happens. Lotsa new silliness at the Ranch, but I've gotten the hang of dealing with the local repair and maintenance weasels - uh, tradespeople - who are still foolish enough to think that my Brooklyn accent makes me an easy target. In the immortal words of Gomer Pyle, "surprise, surprise, surprise". Personal life is suddenly excellent, BTW, but you know that I don't kiss and tell. <G>. More later, when I come up for air again. 21 November 2007 - Message from Big Pig Happy Thanksgiving, everyone. (Eat a turkey and leave those piggies alone!). It has been an overwhelming few months...two books underway (and one almost done, Capture #8 was accomplished and Captures #s 9 and 10 are imminent); a TV show hosted by B.P. is likely within the next year; a completed network news one hour episode (produced by Satan) which airs next week; I'm about to capture a very wanted fugitive (I know where she'll be on the 30th); plus my normal caseload and I have four board exams within the next few months. Which is why I haven't been posting. Or eating. Or sleeping. Things could be even busier, I suppose. I could be running for something...  Of course, I found time to see the latest Simpsons movie, with Spiderpig. Excerpts: Maybe, if my show ("Private Justice", BTW) is a hit, they'll give me a theme song, too. Much more when I have a chance. 09 April 2008 - Message from Big Pig Quite a lot happening, my little oinking brothers and sisters. Three, count 'em, three, books in the works...and the book with Rick D. is 90% completed. I'll be meeting with him in NYC this weekend to brainstorm. Lots of public appearances coming up, Tampa in 2 weeks (speaking to a group of naughty (I hope) nurses, NYC in 3 weeks, Texas, Edmonton, etc. etc. Thanks to my friend, Sage, F.P.R. has a new mascot:  (Yeah, so I've got a little pink stuffed pig on my bed...wanna say something about it ?!?! <G>.) More later, after Passover. For now, I'll leave you all with words of wisdom from St. Cliffie of Boston (courtesy of my fellow Renovation Addict, Bob K.): In one episode of 'Cheers', Cliff is seated at the bar describing the Buffalo Theory of Intelligence to his buddy, Norm.  "Well you see, Norm, it's like this . . . A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first . This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Now, as we know, excessive intake of alcohol kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. And that, Norm, is why you always feel smarter after a few beers." Oink! Y'all take care, and drop by whenever you're in the area. 04 July 2008 - Happy Birthday America! Just my thoughts on the upcoming election, accurately represented by bumper stickers ...  and...  Remember, beef and chicken for today's BBQ...leave those piggies alone! 22 July 2008 - SURVIVED NYC NYC was OK. I came, I saw, I oinked for 3.5 hours counting the Q&A and, apparently, I conquered. Also did a bunch of interviews and cooperated with another documentary movie. SRO crowd of 1500+ attendees, and one media report reviewing my talk said that the crowd "listened with rapt attention". "Rapt", baby! Oink! OK, seriously, yeah, I had fun. And, making it even more worthwhile was that representatives of the weasels from 2 years ago were in attendance, and saw that their efforts to damage my rep had amounted to precisely zero, and that they were nothing more than a speedbump on Big Pig's Road to Happiness. I love this country - always have and always will - but now more than ever. In no other place in the world can a lone citizen fight an "official" team of idiots out of control, like I was forced to do 2 years ago, and actually win. More later. Oink. 22 July 2008 - DAMM, WISH I'D THOUGHT OF THIS URL!  Back in approx. 1 week. See you all then. Oink. 21 November 2008 - Yeah, I've been MIA ... Hello, my oinking brothers and sisters. My apologies for the lack of commo via this site, but hopefully I've been in direct touch with most of you. My only excuse is that I've been working my little curly tail off. Showed this site to a girl at Rocky O's bar last night and was reminded how long it had been since I'd posted here...so a few quick thoughts. Of course, deep disappointment, almost depression, re the election results.  We have a new Prez, and as good Americans we have to get behind the new administration and give it a chance but, frankly, I'm afraid that the only countries that I care about - USA and Israel - will soon both be royally screwed by miserable leftie policies.  Worst of all is that I truly don't understand how Oblahblah could have won. Yeah, I get the whole Put-A-Final-End-To-Racism thinking (noble, but ridiculously naive, IMO). McCain is such a truly patriotic, competent, decent, fighter for America, and a geniune American hero. And Oblahblah, on the other hand...isn't. How could anyone objectively and patriotically compare the two choices, and pull the trigger for the Democrats? Am I that completely out of touch? Nothing will make me happier than to be proven completely wrong about this. Don't want to see American go down the drain, and Israel be subjected to ferocious pressure to commit suicide, just so that I can say "I told you so". 21 November 2008 - Part II Two drive-by posts before I get back to work... First, the worst joke I've heard all month... "The Bacon Tree": Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert, wandering aimlessly and close to death. They are close to just lying down and waiting for the inevitable, when all of a sudden....... 'Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell. Ees bacon I is sure of eet.' 'Si, Luis eet smells like bacon to meee.' With renewed strength, they struggle up and over the next sand dune, and there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon. There's raw bacon, dripping with moisture, there's fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon... every imaginable kind of cured pig meat. 'Pepe, Pepe, we is saved. 'Eees a bacon tree.' 'Luis, are you sure ees not a meerage? We ees in the Desert don't forget.' 'Pepe when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smell like bacon... ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree'. And with that... Luis races towards the tree. He gets to within 5 feet, with Pepe following closely behind, when all of a sudden, a machine gun opens up, and Luis is cut down in his tracks. It is clear he is mortally wounded but, a true friend that he is, he manages to warn Pepe with his dying breath. 'Pepe... go back man,you was right ees not a bacon tree.' 'Luis Luis mi amigo... what ees it? 'Pepe... ees not a bacon tree... Ees... Ees... Ees... Ees...Eees a Ham Bush. (OK to groan now.) And, second, what is probably the best right-wing-Jewish bumper sticker of the past 5 years:  I'll be back wih the piggies next week, and y'all can drop by and console me. Maybe a wake for traditional American patriotism is in order. All donations of Michter's gratefully accepted. I'll get to work training the herd to grunt "Danny Boy". Take care, my oinking friends, and remember, only turkey this thanksgiving. Leave the ham alone! More later. 17 December 2008 - FINALLY !! Whenever not busy with trips, work, paperwork, books and projects - and unfortunately necessary things like eating and sleep - I've been working on the house. Finally, the last bit of renovation is about to be completed (the interior doors and special hardware). Everything after this will be discretionary (hidden doors behind bookcases, boobytraps, etc)...so, technically, I'm done done done with the renovations. Housewarming party sometime in February. "Watch this space for more info." 18 December 2008 - Useless or Interesting Things USELESS THING - ONE: If I ever get an iPhone (unlikely...I don't want to be trackable 24 / 7), this will be my phone carrying case:  INTERESTING THING - TWO: An article re pig - German interaction in Berlin. Of course, I'm rooting for the Pigs. (The real ones, not the 2-legged German ones.) The original article, including photos, can be found at the Wall Street Journal website. In Berlin's Boar War, Some Side With the Hogs
City Appoints Urban Hunters to Track Streetwise Swine; Three Pigs in Day Care By MARCUS WALKER BERLIN -- Gabriele Klose simply couldn't let the hunter kill the wild boar running around her flower store. Not after it looked up at her with big, innocent eyes. The hairy beast was one of thousands of wild boars that have discovered the charms of urban living in Germany's leafy capital city. When the creature trotted out of rush-hour traffic one morning last month to root around the flower store, Ms. Klose's first thought was: "That is one ugly dog." After a second glance, Ms. Klose phoned the police for safety -- and a local tabloid for publicity. The police called in Matthias Eggert, one of a crack band of hunters with license to kill hogs in urban areas. But Mr. Eggert's plan to dispatch the boar appalled Ms. Klose. The hunter says the tabloid reporter brandished a camera and warned him he'd have the whole of Berlin on his case if he pulled the trigger. Mr. Eggert sensed a PR debacle, so he phoned around until he found an animal sanctuary 40 miles from Berlin that granted the boar asylum and named the swine "Amanda." The Battle Over Boars in Berlin Thousands of wild, tusked ancestors of domestic pigs have discovered the charms of urban living in Germany's capital city. Some humans are happy to coexist, while others see the boars as a pest that should be eliminated. Wild Boars have moved into Berlin and the city has responded by issuing hunting licenses. Marcus Walker Reports. (Dec. 15) Mr. Eggert, a 55-year-old forestry official, fumes at Berlin's "vegans and whatnot" who are, he thinks, too sentimental about the city's pesky boars. "If we don't get brutally pragmatic, the problem is going to get totally out of hand," he says. Berlin's wooded parks, suburbs and increasingly mild winters make it Europe's capital city for sus scrofa, the wild, tusked ancestor of the domestic pig. The booming population of porkers has Germans on the run, reversing the natural order of things. Boars like to dig up worms and grubs with their snouts, churning manicured gardens into muddy battlefields. They've plowed up parks, cemeteries and even the training ground of Berlin's major-league soccer team, Herta BSC. Police Protection The swine are an obstacle on Berlin's streets, where 211 have died in traffic accidents in the past eight months. But despite the porcine problem, part of Berlin's human population is siding with the boars against those who shoot them. Urban hunters have been beaten with sticks, called "murderers" and had their tires slashed. Mr. Eggert once had to call for police protection when a crowd of young partygoers, enraged after he shot a boar that had been wounded by a car, threatened to beat him up. The boars are usually peace-loving. But 250-pound adults armed with sharp, upward-curving tusks can be dangerous if they think they're cornered. In October, when hunters shot a tusker in a cornfield south of Berlin, the wounded animal counterattacked, killing one man and injuring another who'd come to finish it off. Every year in Berlin several dogs are gored to death after rashly challenging boars to a fight. On one occasion, three boars got lost in a day-care center on Alexanderplatz in the heart of Berlin and panicked. The children hadn't arrived for the day yet, but the boars nearly gored the janitor. Matthias Eggert The growing threat to life, limb and lawns has led Berlin to take extraordinary measures. In 2002, City Hall began appointing special Stadtjäger, or "urban hunters." Some are police by day, others are veterinarians. A couple, like Mr. Eggert, are foresters. Their quarry is streetwise. "Some swine know the city better than we do," says Mr. Eggert. "They know every gap in a fence, every abandoned building they can hide in." Firing a hunting rifle in the city is a tricky business. Hunters have to decline risky shots: A bullet that ricochets off cobblestones can fly a long way. But hunting in the forests around Berlin isn't enough to control boar numbers. Too many boars live in town full-time because they've figured out it's safer, says Derk Ehlert, City Hall's special commissioner for wildlife. Other boars relocate to the suburbs only on weekends during the hunting season, returning to the forests on Mondays when the hunters and dogs have gone. "Boars are extremely smart," says Mr. Ehlert, a trained biologist. "If they weren't so smart, they wouldn't be so successful." Hunters have shot over 500 boars in urban areas since April, but boar numbers keep rising. Up to 7,000 now live in the city, Mr. Ehlert estimates. "There is no way that hunting can get rid of them all," he says. "Ultimately we must learn to share the city with the swine." The key to peaceful coexistence is no fraternizing, says Mr. Ehlert. One pack (called a "sounder") of boars took to hanging out at a playground in Berlin's posh Dahlem district. The chief sow sunbathed on the warm tarmac of a main road, holding up traffic, while her striped sucklings played with children. "If one piglet had squealed because a kid had held it wrongly, the sow would have attacked," says Mr. Ehlert. He had police cordon off the playground while hunters gunned down the entire sounder in front of shocked residents. On a recent snowy evening, Mr. Ehlert stopped his van near a derelict U.S. listening station on a hilltop in former West Berlin. During the Cold War, the U.S.'s National Security Agency eavesdropped on the Soviet bloc from here. Now the hill is crawling with boars. One by one, they emerged from the trees, grunting in expectation, until 15 plump hogs surrounded the van. "Someone is clearly feeding them," says Mr. Ehlert. That's illegal, because it leads to inappropriate boar-human mingling. Pig Food Some Berliners are defying the law every night, bringing boars food out of affection for the beasts. Unemployed truck driver Michael Gericke opened the trunk of his white Mercedes and tossed corn onto a parking lot. A score of hogs scrimmaged over the spoils. One tried to climb into the trunk. Mr. Gericke says he has been feeding boars here every night for 12 years, making him the doyen of Berlin's boar-loving underground. Every two weeks he spends €15, or about $20, of his jobless benefits on a 110-pound sack of corn. "Feeding them corn diversifies their diet," he says. Only a handful of people have come out to feed the foragers on this December night. In summertime, says Mr. Gericke, hundreds of Berliners show up. Berlin's forestry officials say they're filing charges against Mr. Gericke that could lead to a hefty fine. Mr. Gericke says that won't stop him, because he can't pay anyway. "Even if they send me to prison instead, I won't stop." His loyalty to boars stems from an epiphany he had years ago, when he opened his car door and a large tusker he'd been feeding hopped in. "I thought he was going to bite my leg off," says Mr. Gericke. Instead, the boar put his head in Mr. Gericke's lap. "It was as if he was saying, 'Thank you,'" Mr. Gericke says. Mr. Eggert, the hunter, thinks it's time Berlin's authorities got tough. He says: "We should just gather hunters at the these feeding sites, make the civilians stand aside, and feed the swine with lead." More later. If I don't see you in the next 2 weeks, Happy Oinking New Year. 24 December 2008 - Drive By Posting Not much happening today. Wrapping up a few things, then off to the M.E. Watch this space for interesting news in 4-6 weeks, though. For those of you who doubt Intelligent Design, I submit to you Exhibit #1, Shlomo The Red-Nosed Reindeer:  And for those of you who doubt that I know strange people (who send me strange photos), I submit the following photo of Sniffy the Pigbull:  Some Americans have way too much free time. Happy New Year. I'll oink back at y'all after the 1st. 31 December 2008 - Quick Question A quick question before I go out for the evening: how many of you believe in psychokinesis? Raise my hand. 01 January 2009 - Happy Oinking New Year Whole lotta' oinking, grunting and squealing going on last night. A few thoughts for the new year, courtesy of Swami Michter: • Why do psychics have to ask you for your name? • Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines. • A day without sunshine...is like night. • 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name. • 58.5% of all statistics are made up. • Half the people you know are below average. Gotta go see a guy about a thing, then another guy about another thing. Oops, I've already said too much. More when I stop circling and come in for a landing. 02 January 2009 - Quick Comment Before Leaving "Why would anyone want to move to Texas?", my NY friends ask. "Houses are so far apart, everyone is so right-wing, Bush is from there, everyone has guns, it's impossible to get a copy of the Times." Exactly. About the N.Y. Times: I care about America, Israel, individual rights, etc., so for me the New York Times' dishonest slanting of stories to agree with a leftie viewpoint has always been offensive. Insulting to the intelligence, as my family might say. And, every so often the mask drops, and the Times lets something slip into print that is screaming proof that their writers commute to work from another planet. Only a Times columnist (a few days ago) could have found something to hate about "It's A Wonderful Life": "
'It's A Wonderful Life' is a terrifying, asphyxiating story about
growing up and relinquishing your dreams, of seeing your father driven
to the grave before his time, of living among bitter, small-minded
people. It is a story of being trapped, of compromising, of watching
others move ahead and away, or becoming so filled with rage that you
verbally abuse your children, their teacher and your oppressively
perfect wife. it is also a nightmare account of an endless home
renovation." Funny, I'd thought that it was a wonderful story about faith, family, loyalty, small-town values, deferred gratification for the most noble of reasons and putting community before self. Silly me...guess that I've been in Texas too long. I'm off to Israel, more when I'm back. 14 January 2009 - I'm Back, Reluctantly Israel was great, as always. Didn't get to see my team play, but did get to see a game played by two of the new (tackle) teams. Met some amazing people, did some useful things, saw Sarah in Tel Aviv and many of the usual suspects in Jerusalem, and would have liked to have stayed a month, or a decade, longer. Was also good for the soul to be nearby while The Good Guys worked on stomping some very bad guys into dust...though the civilian casualties (on both sides) is a sad and terrible thing. And, upon my return, saw that our opponents continue to be some of the most pitifully laughable people on the planet:  More later, after I've caught up. Oink! |